Anyone seen Billy Carri lately?

[glamfly]

I just swung by his website. Hasn't been updated in a little while I don't think. His journal is gone, but he's on myspace now.
I saw this on his myspace journal and had to share it, cuz it's hilarious, and pretty true......

Male Rules
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,priest, shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call,"Bullshit!" Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
7.If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dickheads. Low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick-drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing,such as both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him. Too gay.
30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Fuck Off!" You are absolved of your responsibility.
31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken, monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

[Hairglamfan]

I liked them, here's some more along the same line:

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?


Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

A: The ultrasound people.


A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.


Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.


My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?"


The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.


My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.
The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.


A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber".


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.


An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.


Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try. What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!


I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.


Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means
is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."


50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.


I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"